Beyond a Doubt
by M C Pehrson
Summary: Story #52 Spock's daughter T'Beth thought she knew Aaron Pascal, but a honeymoon discovery leaves her wondering.


T'Beth knew that her expectations were too high. She had always been prone to want everybody and everything in her life absolutely perfect. And now, yet again, she was rediscovering the painful reality that no one would ever live up to her ideals. Not even Aaron Pascal. Not even on their honeymoon.

At first married life had seemed downright blissful as they shared their love in new ways, but she soon began to suspect that Aaron did not share one of her most heartfelt convictions. They were staying in the picturesque French village where Aaron had lived with his grandparents after his mother and father died. T'Beth suggested visiting the Pascal family graves in the churchyard, and Aaron agreed. But when she expressed a desire to go inside the church—the beautiful little church Aaron had attended as a boy—he only accompanied her with great reluctance. And he actually seemed bored by the lovely wayside shrines that they encountered on the alpine trails.

Looking back, she saw that there had been other disquieting incidents—like at meals when she held his hand for a silent moment of thanks, only to find his head unbowed, his dark eyes studying her. _He can't take his eyes off me,_ she had thought with a smile because she did not want to consider any other possibility. But now she truly wondered.

The week was passing all too quickly when T'Beth had a sudden inspiration.

"Let's go to Lourdes," she said, and seeing resistance on Aaron's face, tried to explain why it was important to her. How even as a rebellious, self-centered teenager, she had found the Virgin Mary intriguing. How her subsequent healing in the Sacred Waters of Donari started her reading stories about Lourdes. And now that they were in France, so very near the shrine…

One last time she asked him, "For me?"

" _Amoureux_ ," he said and kissed her.

The next morning they transported directly into the Domaine—the area of Lourdes dedicated to prayer and meditation. T'Beth looked upon the wide green lawns, the magnificent trees, the soaring Basilica, and was awed by a sense of serenity. Perhaps here in the midst of so much religious fervor, Aaron would come to share a little of her interest. Taking him by the hand, she joined the other pilgrims and arrived at spigots flowing with the famous Lourdes water. Leaning down, she reverently sipped from the spring while Aaron stood silently watching.

Despite his apparent disinterest, T'Beth forged on and they came to the Grotto where the Virgin Mary appeared to young Bernadette in 1858, asking for prayer and penance. Up in the rocky niche, a single rose bush bloomed beneath a life-sized statue of Mary. Nearby, crutches and braces hung as mute symbols of gratitude, left over the centuries by those who had been healed. T'Beth had studied the major cures and was firmly convinced that they were genuine.

After a late lunch at the Saint Sauveur hotel, she went to the Square for the Procession of the Blessed Sacrament, pulling Aaron along. Under a golden canopy, colorfully vested clerics led the procession while a multitude of voices lifted in song. One of the priests carried an ornate receptacle displaying a pure white object at its center. Some members of T'Beth's family were Catholic, so she knew this was the "Holy Eucharist", the living presence of Jesus Christ. Her heart pounded strangely as the priest raised it high, obviously blessing the crowd. The moment seemed so sacred that even though she was not Christian, she went to her knees with the other pilgrims. She did not realize at first that Aaron was standing—that out of all these good people, he was one of the few still on his feet. Then she turned and saw the hardness in his eyes.

The procession moved on, leaving T'Beth in a gray mist of discouragement.

The sun was getting low in the sky when Aaron suggested that they have some coffee. Seated on the patio of the Grotto Café, they silently faced one another across a table. T'Beth stared at her cup in dismay, for there was no longer any doubt in her mind. Clearly Aaron had no religious feeling whatsoever.

"I see now why you didn't want to come," she said.

He gave no reply.

"Is it because you're angry at God…or because you don't believe?"

He did not answer her question directly. When he spoke, his voice took on a defensive tone completely unlike him. "I haven't seen _you_ attending a church."

"That's true," she said, carefully finding her way, "but before the earthquake, I used to meditate in the Fell Street Temple. Aaron, I may not belong to any certain religion, but I believe in God. I love Him and I pray to Him. I know I should have asked you this long before. But…do _you?_ Do you even believe? _"_

Aaron pushed aside his coffee. Looking her in the eye, he said, "T'Beth, _you_ are the one I love. As for this concept called 'God'—well, I'll say it plainly. I just can't accept it."

T'Beth's heart plummeted. Suddenly she felt as if she was looking at a stranger, and the sensation frightened her. "But you used to believe, didn't you? When you were a boy?"

"T'Beth, I'm a scientist and an engineer. I deal with reality—with those things that I can hold and measure."

"You've seen the scars on my legs. I've told you how I was healed—instantaneously. Isn't that real enough for you?"

He shook his head, obviously becoming as frustrated as her. "T'Beth, I can see that your legs were once injured. But instantaneous healing? Your father and I discussed this years ago, when you first returned from Donari. We agreed that you had most likely lapsed into a Vulcan healing trance. When you were submerged by the Donaris, the cold water revived you. That's why your healing seemed sudden and miraculous."

Getting angry now, she told him, "That's not how it happened, Aaron. I was fully conscious. Even Father came to accept my healing, so don't use his words against me." Another thought occurred to her. "And what about my brother James? On Vulcan, Yanash did more than heal him; he brought Jamie back from the dead. Try and explain _that_ away."

"T'Beth, I wasn't there and neither were you."

"Lauren and my father were both there. She's a doctor and Spock is a scientist—or have you forgotten that?"

Very quietly he said, "Sometimes I think it is your father who has forgotten…all his logical Vulcan upbringing and scientific training."

Abruptly T'Beth rose from the table. She no longer cared who witnessed their altercation. "What are you saying? That you don't respect my father now that he has faith?"

Aaron's handsome face creased with pain and he came out of his chair. "T'Beth, I _do_ respect your father. He's a brilliant scientist. He has been my mentor and my friend, and now I'm proud that he's also my father-in-law."

"But…?" she prompted.

He sidestepped the question. "Please, T'Beth, believe me. I'm not bothered by your religious devotion. In fact, it's one of those things I find charming about you."

"Charming," she repeated tartly. "As in rustic…and backward?"

"No," he insisted. "You've seen the village where I came from. _That's_ rustic."

"A rustic village with a rustic little church. And you've outgrown them both, haven't you?"

"T'Beth," he pleaded, "listen to yourself. Why are you defending Christianity? Since when were you baptized?"

"I believe in God," she insisted, but his words had struck a tender spot. She no longer felt like arguing. She wanted only to get away from him and escape the confusion he was stirring up inside her.

"I need to be alone," she said.

Aaron reached for her, but she refused his touch. "No. Please. Go back to the base. I'll be there later."

His dark, wounded eyes tore at her heart. Stiffly he said, "I'm sorry if I've disappointed you."

Then he left the patio and walked out into the crowd.

T'Beth sat down, lowered her head into her arms, and let the tears come.

When her emotions finally settled, she wandered into a gift shop and bought a small statue of the Virgin Mary, a Bible, and a simple catechism. One thing Aaron had said was true. She _wasn't_ a Christian. Aaron had been raised Catholic; he knew a lot more about Christianity than her. In order to meet his arguments, she would have to study.

With her purchases bagged, she headed for the nearest transporter hub. The time disparity would allow her to reach California at midmorning, but she was not going to the Starfleet base. Paying a premium price to bypass the standard transporter terminal, she arrived at a private destination on the coast.

Her shoes settled into damp sand. Rain spattered her face and a chilly wind sliced through her summer clothing. With a shiver she unlatched her father's gate—the very spot where she had exchanged vows with Aaron—and hurried onto the porch. Spock's skimmer was gone. Perhaps no one was home, but she found the door unlocked.

T'Beth entered without knocking, and a solitary figure turned from the computer desk. Relieved, she said, "Father."

One slanted brow lifted in surprise. "You were not due back until tomorrow. Bethany isn't here. Lauren took the children into town." And then, just as she had expected, "Where is Aaron?"

Dropping her bag, she moved toward him and began to sob. Spock rose and took her into his arms.

"Why…?" she managed to choke out. As much as she loved her father, she could not help thinking that this was partly his fault. Drawing back, she wiped at her tears. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He gave her a quizzical look. "Tell you? To what are you referring?"

"Aaron. You've known him since he was a teenager. Why didn't you tell me he's an atheist?"

Father's eyes widened. His lips parted slightly. "I…was unaware. Our discussions have usually been of a secular nature."

"All those years, his lack of faith never once came up?"

"I knew from his Starfleet application that he had attended church as a boy, but he never discussed it. Before Yanash, Vulcans held such matters to be deeply personal. I would never have broached so delicate a subject."

"And since your conversion?"

"I _have_ mentioned the Shiav to him, but Aaron always turned the conversation in another direction. I had assumed that the idea of a Vulcan Savior conflicted with his own faith. Despite my continuing affiliation with the Vatican, it is a reaction I sometimes encounter. Some well-meaning believers have called me the 'devil's disciple'."

T'Beth did not have the heart to tell her father what Aaron actually thought of him—as a scientist who had betrayed his principles by embracing some imaginary foolishness. But unlike Sarek, at least Aaron was still friendly toward Spock.

She sank down into a chair. "Oh Father…I'm just sick. We seemed so close. I thought I knew him. He's always so kind. How can someone like that be an atheist? How can he reject God, and yet be so good?" Suddenly recalling the many years of Spock's disbelief, she quickly added, "I didn't mean that _you_ weren't a good man before the Shiav came along."

Repressing a smile, he took a seat nearby. "T'Beth, there are those people who are naturally inclined to virtue. No doubt Aaron's early religious training also had a positive effect on him, but in every life there are always many factors at work. It is a great mystery. With God's help, each soul unfolds in its own time."

"But Aaron refuses to acknowledge God."

"As did I. Aaron may have rejected God, but God has not rejected him. I know that Aaron is devoted to you. It may be that God will eventually reach Aaron through that love and your example. Perhaps that is why He brought the two of you together."

T'Beth sighed and let her shoulders slump. "I believe in God…but I can't clearly define my belief, not like you and Lauren. It's more of a feeling than a creed. It's as if…as if I'm missing something. Something important. Something that brings all the pieces of the puzzle together, so it makes perfect sense."

Outside, the wind gusted, spattering rain against the windows.

Father leaned toward her. Interlacing his fingers, he spoke intently. "T'Beth. We are physical beings with physical limitations. We need to reach out with our hands and touch reality. The Creator knows that, and like a good Father, He has responded to that need. He has responded personally. He has come among us. He has put Himself into our hands."

"You mean Yanash."

"Yanash…Jesus…the God-man...the Shiav…the Savior. The Creator's full revelation of Himself. It is how we come to know the unknowable." His penetrating eyes seemed to reach deep into her soul. "T'Beth, I believe this is the element missing from your faith. You must open your heart, your mind, and seek the fullness of the Truth."

She had come to complain about Aaron's lack of faith, and now Father was pointing out her own spiritual ignorance. But she was not resentful. To the contrary, she found herself hungry for her father's words. Retrieving her bag off the floor, she brought out the new Bible, still in its packaging.

"I bought this today…at Lourdes."

Father's eyes brightened. His lips stirred and then for a brief instant he smiled, fully, so that his teeth showed.

"Good," he said.

T'Beth stared at him, astonished. So what she had heard was true—a Yanashite really could cut loose with a full-blown smile! Perhaps…someday…would she even hear her father laugh?

It took her a moment to find her voice. "Well, if Yanash can give a smile to a Vulcan, what will the Jesus in this Bible give me?"

"Peace."

A yearning pain twisted in her heart. "Without Aaron to share it?"

"For now, you share love. Be patient, T'Beth—with Aaron, and with yourself. There was a time, early in my marriage, when Lauren and I did not even share that much. Do you remember?"

She nodded, ashamed to recall her own selfish behavior in that difficult period. To this day, she did not know why Lauren left her father, but it had taken them more than a year to fully reconcile.

"Patience," Father repeated.

Just then the front door opened. Lauren and the children burst in from the storm. T'Beth had not heard the skimmer arrive, but suddenly she was surrounded by family.

Bethany landed in her lap and squeezed her in a big hug. "Mommy, you're back! I missed you."

"I missed you, too," T'Beth told her, "so much that I just had to come back early and get you."

Lauren seemed to accept the explanation. After a brief visit, Spock offered to fly her to the base in his skimmer. Bethany gathered her belongings into a little travel bag and the three of them stepped onto the porch.

Bethany tugged at her arm. "Mommy, there was thunder this morning."

"Was there?" T'Beth gazed out at the restless ocean waves. The wind had subsided. Rain drizzled down, but golden shafts of sunlight were breaking through the clouds. Her heart swelled with emotion, and she thought, _How can anyone look at this beauty and not believe?_

Just then her wrist phone went off and seeing that it was Aaron, she thought a moment and spoke a brief text message. _On my way._ Then taking her daughter by the hand, she said, "Come on, let's go home. Let's go home and see Daddy."

All through the trip Bethany chattered, but even she grew quiet as they entered San Francisco airspace. It was not raining here. Beneath them, a great fleet of heavy equipment gnawed at the ruined city. Soon the machines would reach the house on the hill, and there would be nothing left of their old home but memories.

Spock piloted the skimmer toward Starfleet Headquarters and received clearance to land on-base. Aaron lived in one of the newer officer cottages that rode out the quake with minimal damage. The skimmer settled onto a freshly repaired guest pad. Bethany grabbed her bag and rushed out to play in a grassy area nearby.

T'Beth turned to her father. "Thanks for the ride…and for giving me a shoulder to cry on."

He nodded. Then hesitantly he asked, "May I…say something of a personal nature?"

More personal than what they had already discussed? Not knowing what to expect, she said, "Alright…"

He delayed a bit before saying, "T'Beth…your emotions have always run deep. You should guard against being…temperamental. Remember this. Perhaps the greatest proof of God's existence is the transformation of a heart that opens to Him."

She gazed out the windshield while the words sank in. Had he thought she might get angry? Instead, she turned and smiled at him. "Thank you. You're so right. I'd invite you in, but…"

"But today I would have to decline," he finished for her.

T'Beth climbed out of the skimmer. With Bethany in hand, she entered Aaron's little house—the home they would share together. She was glad it was a single story unit, for aftershocks were still hitting, though not nearly as often as those first terrible hours following the earthquake.

Aaron must have heard them coming up the walkway. He stood waiting in the middle of the living room, his bearded face solemn but hopeful. His dark eyes questioned T'Beth, and she set aside what she was carrying to answer him properly.

Bethany watched, wide-eyed, and as they kissed she let out a sigh and grinned ear to ear.

oooOOooo


End file.
